First day of school

I've been working for several weeks, mostly from home and coffee shops waiting for space to open up at the family practice clinic where I'll eventually spend the majority of my time. Making space for a piddly grant project for social work isn't exactly at the top of the food chain, if you know what I'm saying. It's actually pretty exciting to scope out a new space. You know...meet all my new peeps, find the best bathroom, figure out a place to pump where I won't get boob-burgled and accidentally traumatize the burglar.

More importantly, however, is the choosing of the first day of school outfit. Truthfully, I wanted to go fairly conservative. I hate to use stereotypes, but the last thing I want to do is be the weird new girl with the orange flare skirt, purple scarf, and turquoise arm warmers amid an office full of tan grandma naturalizers. So I went with a brown cable-knit sweater, khaki skirt with demure pink stripes, and brown tights. Not so bad, right?

Wrong.

Because my work-appropriate outfit called for work-appropriate shoes...the stodgy crappers that have been sequestered in the back of my closet for who knows how long. My nerves got the best of me and I made a bad move. Instead of tossing the crappers out the window, I put them on, walked out the door, and have subsequently spent the last 7 hours in complete repulsion. I suppose the thought of being in an office again under the florescent bulbs totally freaked me out and I choked. I cannot even look down at my feet without feeling the urge to vomit, and it's taking all my might not to convulsively shake them off my feet like they were made of mouse poop. I feel like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada...except that I'm playing Andy Sachs AND Miranda Priestly.

Luckily, it seems to resolve itself

Today is my last official day as a 'majority of the time' stay at home mom. There is a knot in my stomach and my right hand won't stop shaking.

I took a job with my favorite professor from grad school to work as a social worker in a family practice clinic. We were working on a grant to fund this project while I was in school, but nothing happened so off I went looking in other directions. Eva happened, photography happened, life happened, and then one day I got a call. The grant was funded and my dream job was waiting for me. I get to work with the most vulnerable patients at the clinic to see if we can figure out ways to help them get healthy. Tomorrow is my last day with the ladies at the women's clinic and the new job starts on Monday. Funny how life works.

So now I find myself staring down the barrel of another change. Eva came and I made a huge adjustment to stay home with her and to try and describe that change would require the talent of someone far more articulate than me. I never expected to find the last few months so fulfilling, at times so mundane, so challenging, so fun, so dynamic, so 'throw my hands up in the air and deal with whatever happens' thrilling. I also didn't expect to be so good at it. I'm not about to fain humility in the department of mothering because I have never been more proud of myself, and I have never been more happy and satisfied with my work. I fell in love...hard...and did everything I could to make it work...for me, for Eva, for Ferris, and for the new corporation we call family. I can step back from the table and feel good, so very good, about what I gave.

That chapter is ending. It's time.

Daniel Day Lewis gave an interview about his experience in becoming a parent. When asked how he prepared for fatherhood he said (paraphrased) "There's absolutely nothing you can do to prepare. You are compelled to this young person and have no idea what to do. Luckily it seems to resolve itself."

I'll be working full time while Eva spends her time with her sweet nannies and Ferris. It's just four days per week, but I'm already feeling the anxiety welling up in my throat. I left Eva with Anna, our in-home nanny, for the first time last Friday and had to do my very best not to vanquish in panic as I walked from the house to my car. She was fine. More than fine, she had a blast with Anna. I knew that, but I still couldn't stop myself from feeling...so many terrifying things.

Later that night, I crawled into Ferris' arms and wept. The panic was gone, but it had been replaced by sadness. Is it possible to be so happy in your life, so happy with the new direction your life is taking, and at the very same time so utterly despondent about the change that must occur? The same thing happened nine months ago when Eva came...I crawled into Ferris' lap and wept as we tried to make sense of it all. And some day, hopefully not soon, another ball will drop and we'll find ourselves once again facing another difficult change. At least this time I have the perspective of knowing that we will survive this change, together, and live to tell another story.

Family bug

I have to apologize to myself and to my readers for my recent lack of creativity. The apology is probably not necessary, but it makes me feel better and that's what counts. I haven't been feeling very well. None of us over here at the Edge. have been feeling very well, cold after cold after cold topped off by a nasty stomach flu all passed round and round between us. I was looking forward to a weekend in DC (my first away from the baby) to celebrate my dear friend's 30th birthday, but was sidelined by a terrible flu...the very same flu that now has Ferris strapped to the bed with a bucket under his nose. Luckily, the damn thing only lasts 24 hours. Mine is up, but his is just beginning.

I'm finding myself in a bit of a transition, as many often do at the turn of a new year, with some heavy professional decisions...decisions that will drastically change the way things run around here. I'm at a fork in the road when it comes to my career as a social worker. Honestly, with the current economic and political climate, most of the social services in Maine have no funding and are laying everyone off...not kidding, EVERYONE. It's a terrible time for those in my profession, along with all the wonderful people we serve. I was resigned to the idea that, despite the hard work to get here, I would not find work as a social worker, and therefore, turned my energy to photography and my part time job at the women's clinic.

Then something unbelievable happened when I least expected it, and I now find myself with an amazing opportunity. Actually, I have two amazing opportunities to choose from, and I'm having trouble believing my good fortune. When it rains, it pours...especially when you're living in the desert. I can't talk specifics because things are still in the works, but in the next week or so, there will be a major change. No matter what happens, I'll be working much more, which means Eva will be spending more time with her nannies. Shockingly, I'm feeling ok about that. She seems ready, and I'm ready. This doesn't mean it will be easy, but I'm certain we'll get through it. It seems the only down side will be much less time for photography and writing. I suppose my consolation is knowing that, at some point down the road, the pendulum will once again swing in the other direction, and I will have time to allow my creativity to flow back to the art that I love.

Superhero is a beautiful blog about writing and photography. It seems the entire month of January Andrea has focused on inspirations, goals, and freedom...just letting go and bringing good things into the new year. Her positivity is infectious, and I'm using her as a rope to pull myself out of my funk and into a bright new beginning. Maybe this week I'll spend some time thinking about my intentions for 2008 and creating a list of where I want to go. The possibilities are endless.

My other job

You've probably heard some national coverage on the debate surrounding King Middle school nurses giving birth control to students without parental notification. The school is actually just down the street from me and would be Eva's school if she were older. It's a hot topic for local families, but it's an even hotter topic in my line of work. I rarely talk specifically about my social work job because I don't feel comfortable giving details in a public forum when there is a possibility that one of my patients could stumble upon my site. Simply put, I work as a counselor in women's reproductive health, and yes, that includes counseling women about abortion.

Giving birth control at school health clinics is a complicated issue. As a parent, I understand how enormously scary it would be to find out that your child was sexually active and taking medication without your knowledge. That said, a 15 year old with an unplanned pregnancy would be a whole hell of a lot scarier. It's my job to try my best not to screw Eva up when it comes of this stuff, so I'm going to be open about sex and relationships in hopes that she would come to me in this situation. BUT, if she didn't feel comfortable, I sure as hell would want someone else to help her.

I see so many women who lack support around issues of sexual health, women of all ages, occupations, and socio-economic status. Nuns, lawyers, doctors, teenagers, mothers, wives...you name it. Take all you thought you understood about who might seek services for sexual health and throw it out the window. I'm not kidding, honestly. Abstinence is a great option, but sex happens and pregnancy happens and sticking your head under the sand like an ostrich isn't going to help anyone. Working to make sure women have reproductive rights, options, and education is without a doubt the most important work I've ever done. I am honored to do it and take it very seriously.

So lets talk turkey. I support the nurses at King, and I'll tell you why.

1) They're mandated reporters, which means they are required to report any abusive or illegal acts to authorities and parents, specifically for girls under 13 years old. If a girl comes to them for pills and is in a troubled way, they will get help.

2) Parents are required to sign a permission slip before kids can use the health services. So when a parent signs permission, they are aware their child might receive services without their knowledge. If parents aren't cool with that, their child can't be seen in the clinic.

3) The nurses give every sexually active kid a range of counseling before they give them birth control.

Whether we like it or not, the reality of life is that kids are becoming sexually active at much younger ages, and parents make mistakes by assuming their child is immune to it. Studies show that kids whose parents talk to them about their bodies and about sex are far more likely to wait...in other words...if you want your child to abstain, TALK ABOUT SEX! Knowledge is power, folks...especially for women.

In case you thought I was lying

She really is THAT long. She also went through two complete ensemble changes this morning because of massive blowouts.

I'm having a day...more like a week. I've never been in the position of feeling genuinely happy and simultaneously feeling like I could officially lose my mind at any moment. In the past, I've often felt unfulfilled, sometimes unhappy, and always looking around the corner for greener pastures. I have never felt as content as I do in this very moment while at the same time a million things are swirling around me...undone, seemingly impossible.

I continue to search for consistent care for Eva so I can continue wearing my social worker's hat part time at the women's health clinic .

Sidebar: To those of you have thus far pitched in, I thank you from the deepest part of my heart. You all know who you are and how much I love you.

It's been a constant frustration because I'm not ready to put Eva in day care (just any old day care), and we don't have the funds for a nanny. So I've been on a perpetual look out for a situation that might work for all parties. There are possibilities. All fingers are crossed.

I'm dreadfully late for a deadline for the Portland Through the Lens opening at the Susan Maasch Gallery next week (more on that later). I haven't had an opportunity to frame my piece and I have a 5pm appointment with the gallery owner for a final viewing. She also wants the contract signed (forgot where I put that) and an updated resume (I don't have a photography resume, let alone an updated one). Whoops. I'm also trying to find ways to promote Lula Photography with cards, ads, and hanging my work around town (Thank you to all my peeps who have generously helped. Nothing but love for you guys too). Although I'm feeling as though I have no time or head space to get everything done...the way it should be done.

I suppose this is what being a mother is like. I have an around the clock job and a bunch of part time gigs. It's nice to talk to other mothers who often smile and nod knowingly and then offer whatever they can manage to give in support. Giving women trying their best to find more ways to give. Always giving more.

So why do so much? Why continue to stretch myself so thin, to never manage to get anything done, to live like a perpetual uncrossed T. Because it makes me happy...crazy happy, nuts happy. Because each of these things touches an aspect of my life and gives me fulfillment. I'm a mom, a social worker, a photographer and each of those things makes me happy...the kind of happy that could not be complete without one or the other. I suppose the trick is finding peace in the unfinished and contentment in the chaos. I'll work on that in my spare time.