Something has come over me and it's starting to get seriously irritating. I'm feeling decent amounts of contentment and happiness which my psyche has absolutely no idea how to compute. Let me explain.
The last few weeks have been a beautiful blur. And when I say 'blur', I'm not referring to time that goes by too quickly. I'm talking about a blur of nondescript days filled with equal parts laziness, productivity, happiness, sadness, stress, ease, decadence, and total peace.
Christmas was sweet (sweet as in nice AND sweet as in radical). We woke up in our home, together, opening mountains of gifts...each one, big and small, representing more thoughtfulness and love than the last. I'm loath to admit I truly missed my 52 nut job relatives in Pocasmello. What is Christmas without hours in the airport, delays, family quarrels, sleep deprivation, regression, endless family events, copious amounts of bad food, and the subsequent gas? That's the real problem, right? Christmas without family-fueled suicidal farts just doesn't feel like Christmas at all.
And then Bimbo, my baby sister, got married. A week before Christmas I got a call while I was at work from My Mother the Prude with the news that Bimbo planned to semi-elope the following week...meaning she was planning a very small affair just after Christmas. I immediately called my baby sister so I could shower her with the happiness and affection I genuinely felt for her and the perfect mate she chose. It was the best decision of her whole life. Then, I quietly put the phone down on my desk and started to cry. Happiness, loneliness, joy, pain, sadness, sorrow, grief, pride, respect, frustration, anger, love. These are the things relationships with my family consist of. My heart ached because I couldn't be there. My heart ached because even if I were there, I wouldn't be allowed in the temple where she got married because I'm not of that Mormon caliber. My heart ached because I was so very, very happy for her.
Through the ache, I went home and hugged Eva, canoodled Ferris, and settled into my lovely nest in Portland as we prepared for the beautiful blur of Christmas and the approaching new year.
So, why do I feel so much contentment and happiness amid such complex events? Because everything is just as it should be. I am meant to be here, in Portland in this house with these people doing exactly what I'm doing...just as my family is meant to be there, in Pocasmello in their homes with their people doing exactly what they're doing.
It's bitterly cold tonight, but that didn't stop Eva and I from bundling up and braving the elements for a quiet walk along the water near our house. Each time the water lapped against the salty frozen ocean shore it became increasingly clear that my life has found a longed-for balance. We rounded a bend on the walk that placed us in front of a group of ducks (crazy badass winter ducks) waddling around in a group searching for the warmest position. Eva pointed and babbled about the 'quacks' and demanded to stay longer than I would have liked. Breathing around the snot icicles formed on the tip of my nose, I looked up and saw three small ducks huddled together, heads down, drifting in a circle near the shore. Perhaps a family. Perhaps those ducks would stay extra warm because they decided to brave it together.
And thus brings the theme that will inspire my New Years Intentions for 2009. I've spent my entire life trying to fortify my surroundings, much like the family of ducks, in order to survive and weather the storm. Through it all, I've learned that the storms will always exist, but I have surrounded myself with people who love and protect me (here and there). With this in mind, I've decided to approach this year with reckless abandon.
More to come.